Why families are in crisis today? My answer is they do not understand the truth of human development and the truth about oneness.
Right from time of creation, God wanted oneness in the family starting with Adam and Eve. Adam knew it right from the start when he first set his eyes on Eve that God meant him to leave his individualism and be connected to Eve in one flesh (Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh) in Ge 2:23. He called her “woman” though God called her “he-man” (No gender in the Bible), as she was produced out of a man’s rib. In verse 24, God gives instructions of how to have oneness when we start our new marriage life which is entirely different from a single life.
In verse 24 He instructed us that we are to leave our “growing up pains ” home not only geographically but also the formative influences of our infancy and childhood which have wounded us. We are not to bring our wounded past formed into our innocent mind in the early years to the marriage. On top of this we have to cleave to our new partner as priority over our biological family members. We have to leave the formative influences of our singlehood. Unfortunately today, many married couples give priority to their parents over our own corporate member in the marriage which is not according to God’s ways. Hence the wife’s needs cannot be met because of neglect. Our new family comes first before our old family. Life has to be balanced. Work life and our own family life (spouse and children) including church family life must be balanced.
Many feel they are obligated to their parents and they have misinterpreted the commandment “Honour your parents”. Cleaving and honouring are two different things. We do not cleave to our parents but individuate from the age of two meaning parents should give us free choice and not control our decision or do things for us making us handicapped for God has given us a choice so that we will know how to handle life when we grow up. There is a time for family and a time with our parents. We need to come into agreement in the family. If we don’t allow our children to make mistakes, where lessons can be learnt, when they grow up they will not be able to tackle the issues of life.
We are not obligated to our parents for bringing us up but to God our heavenly Father. “Human fathers are used by God to correct us and we respect them. Shall we not readily be in subjection to the Father of Spirits and live?” (Heb 10:9) In verse 10 our earthly fathers disciplined us that seemed best to them but our Heavenly Father chastened us for our profit that we may be partakers of His holiness.” As a child we cannot understand the reason behind chastening by the Lord. Though it is painful, it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. The Israelites had to be trained in the wilderness before they can cross over to the Promised Land.
We need to honour our parents but not to continue cleaving to them. Our parents’ work of parenting us is done once we are married. We must work our life with our new family as a corporate team member meaning we have to work out our new life with our spouse as team member of the new family through the work of God. Likewise, once we are born again we leave our past life and cleaved to Christ’s Word. Today marriages failed because man still cleave to the past and give priority to their parents over their newly formed family. Parents on the other hand cannot let go of parenting their children even when they are married.
In marriage, we do not parent each other but work together as a team. We tend to take our parental control to our marriage and parent each other. We have a lot of unmet needs in our growing up years even as far back as life in the womb and in infancy and we tend to have our unmet needs met by pastors, our friends and our spouse and in the process we end up disappointed because we tend to associate with people of our kind. In Genesis Noah is supposed to select creatures of the same kind to the Ark. It actually means we are to bring our friends who are like us to the House of God which many do not even work on this principle. It is at the Ark that we find oneness and salvation.
Our hurting wounds tend to attract us to people with the same hurting wounds ending up in break u[ of relationships. It is the same with spouses. We are supposed to take on the strengths of our spouse and vice-versa but we tend to correct each other the way our parents taught us which may not be correct as our parents especially unbelieving parents do not parent us in the ways f the Lord. Habits die hard. We are supposed to encourage each other in times of trial but we tend to find faults in our spouse for the trials they go through. It’s like Job’s friends who judge him unrighteously and in Job 42 :8 God asked Job to pray for his friends for judging him unrighteously which means that God opened his eyes to see that man’s ways can never be righteous and we need to adopt God’s righeousness to our life. As he obeyed, God restored him two fold. To God be the glory.
On this note, I like to explain the interpretation of Isa 35:3-6 for family:
God’s word in a family is to strengthen each other by our strength and not to look down on their weakness. When there is a dispute, we need to go to God together to pray . v3. We need to encourage each other to be bold and strong and not to fear. Fear will get us nowhere. What we fear will come to us. Job 3:25, Isa 35:4. God will come and resolve things among us and He will judge righteously.
He will show us the roots of our problem and gives us ways to resolve it and for this we have found our program Father Me has resolved a lot of perception and reactions in the family that have brought wholeness to the family. V5-6. In the way of righteousness is life ad in the pathway there is no death. Prv 12”28. We have been blinded by the wounds of our infancy and growing up years and God want to open our eyes to see this root that has contributed to unnecessary conflicts in the family. We are to speak oracles of God not negligently Jeremiah 48:10 “Cursed is he who does the work of the Lord negligently…” We should no longer be children (not to react childishly) 1 Cor 13:11) (Eph 4:14) “…. but to speak the truth in love that we may grow up in all things into Him who is the head – Christ. (v15) In short, we are to grow into spiritual maturity in Christ. Only when we are connected to the Spirit of the Lord, can we have oneness with each other. Transformation and sanctification is a process unto eternity.
We are also not to father and mother. Fathers and mothers are designed to parent us not the other way round. Parents as adults know how to fan for themselves without our interference. We are interfering into their lives because they from young interfered into our lives. This cannot lead to healthy marriage. The world has become a mess and because of inappropriate parenting people tend to seek their own sex to marry which the world termed it as LGBT. They give the pretext that they are made this way which is not the truth. Let us look at the scripture.
1 Cor 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators nor idolaters, nor adulterers nor homosexuals nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards ,nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.
Mark 10:6 “From the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. “ In v7 He elaborated that for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and v8 the two shall become one flesh so then they are no longer two but one flesh. v9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.
So in the New Testament and even up to today it is applicable. Couples should be one flesh. They shall not resort to neither homosexuality neither divorce. Jude 1:7 Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.
God’s word stands forever until heaven and earth passed away. (Mt 5:18).
To achieve oneness in the family, we should discard the attitudes of fault-finding, criticism, judgementalism, blaming others and self, controlling others to adopt our ways, manipulation and domination. More truths will be addressed in our next workshop of oneness in the family when we address formative influences that cause wounds of 6-18 months, 2 years and 3-5 years. We must not look at our spouse as he or she is but as one whom God will transform as truth is being shared. This way you will achieve oneness in the family.
We need oneness with God, within ourselves (spirit and soul) and with others especially the corporate team in the family. Oneness is what we have been designed for. We look forward to see more oneness in the family.
Oneness in the family is the only way to salvation of families. Time is not in our hands but in God’s hands. We need to share truth and bring abundant life to people’s joints. We are created to have a life mission. Everyone has a calling. I believe the call to oneness is for everyone.
We are not able to grow spiritually because of problems in their growing up years in natural development and these need to be addressed to achieve spiritual maturity and oneness. It’s time we help you to address the wounds of your growing up pain through Father Me Re-parenting so that you can achieve oneness wherever you go. Till we come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God to a perfect man to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, we cannot achieve oneness. Oneness attracts blessing as in Psalm 133. Pursue Oneness.
Rev Alicia Teo